Local Man Survives Shopping Trip While Wearing Mask
GROVE CITY, PA – A local man went shopping for groceries late Wednesday night while wearing a cloth face covering in response to COVID-19 regulations. With his mask on, Warren Throckmorton, a professor at Grove City College, was able to secure numerous items during the 35 minute excursion without injuring his health.
“I know it might surprise some people, but I didn’t lose consciousness even once. My heart rate went up a little in the hot sauce section, but I think that was because of the great selection,” Throckmorton said.
Many shoppers in the local County Market were not wearing masks observed Throckmorton.
“From what Facebook says, I bet they were afraid they would pass out.”
Throckmorton said he was even able to engage in one of his favorite shopping activities with his mask on: Grooving to the background music.
“The store plays some really good tunes. I like to groove while I shop.”
When asked if he planned to try wearing the mask again for other activities, Throckmorton said, “Now that I know I won’t die from wearing a mask, the sky’s the limit.”
Throckmorton demonstrates for the skeptical reader just how he was able to shop while wearing his mask without having a major health catastrophe.
The entire trip was uneventful except for the many people who were not wearing masks. We wear masks to protect others in the event we have COVID-19 and don’t know it. If everybody wears a mask, the spread can be slowed.
Beebe, AR — Saying he thinks his discovery will settle the Christian nation debate, Rev. Cyrus Jones revealed in a press release that he has found the words of the Bible in the United States Constitution. Pastor of the Patriot Baptist Church, Jones said he was skeptical at first but was encouraged to seek the truth by listening to historical document collector, David Barton.
“Barton has 100,000 pre-1812 documents in his library. Because of that, I figure he knows something about old words,” Jones said. “For sure, the Bible has old words and so does the Constitution. I decided to see if Barton was right when he said the exact words of the Bible are in the Constitution.”
Jones said that he found many exact words. “‘The,’ ‘and,’ and, ‘an’ are especially common in both the Bible and Constitution, but the clincher was words like ‘blessings’ and ‘liberty’ and ‘faith’ and ‘numbers.’ Those exact words are in both the Bible and the Constitution.”
Jones is preparing a multi-part sermon series with a sermon on each exact word in common. “It is going to be anointed,” he said.
For more on the exact words of the Bible in the Constitution, watch the video below:
See also this and this.
(I hope it is obvious that Cyrus Jones is made up and the story is a spoof. Sadly, however, David Barton’s claim is very real (hat tip to RWW).
Intell is getting out of Ozark, MO. In the Show Me State, Mark Driscoll is going to show up at James River Church with news of some kind on this Sunday, June 7. My sources are at work again and have learned the top ten rejected sermon titles for this weekend’s appearance.
Without fanfare, here they are:
10. A Nobody Wanting to Tell Anybody About Everybody I Need to Forgive
9. How to Fund Your Church Plant Through Global Missions
8. William Wallace Was Right
7 I Know Who the Anti-Christ is and He Lives in Pennsylvania
6. Be the Brand!
5. How to Turn Any Sin Into a Mistake
4. America Really Is a Pussified Nation!
3. How to Implode a Megachurch in One Year
2. Elders Schmelders and Other Insights on Biblical Leadership.
…and the number one rejected sermon title is:
1. The Gospel of Mark: Love Means Never Having to Say You’re Sorry
Alas, we don’t know what the actual title is yet, but the day is young.
With all appropriate apologies for this lame spoof.
The following article appeared in today’s Funion, a spoofy spoof of the Onion. With all appropriate apologies to all involved. Gays Decry Union of Rocker and Florida Megachurch Pastor
ORLANDO, FL (Funion News Network) – Gay activists are crying foul this morning after Orlando area pastor Paula White married former Journey rocker Jonathan Cain. White’s marriage to Cain is the third marriage for the pastor of New Destiny Christian Center.
Gay activist Randy Thompson of Florida’s LBGTQQI activist group LBGTQQI Unite said the White-Cain union cheapens an institution gays are poised to enter.
“We are just now entering into the age-old institution and straights keep mucking it up,” Thompson said.
White and Cain could not be reached for comment, being away on their honeymoon. However, White’s spokesperson, Trevor Spokes-Wong said that White’s marriage celebrated man-woman marriage like “new wine poured into new wine-skins.”
Spokes-Wong added, “White has celebrated man-woman marriage three times now; there are few megachurch pastors who have celebrated this straight institution more than White.”
University of Florida professor of sociology, George Widlock, said marriage has been redefined by straights over the last half-century. “The battle between gays and straights is intensifying to see which groups can redefine marriage the most. Our data indicate that the straights are winning.”
For your Saturday morning reading pleasure, now comes Grove City College alum Jared Walczak (’08) with whimsy of the Shakespearean variety. Jared has this to say about his creation:
“The rise and fall of Washington quarterback Robert Griffin III is nothing short of “an athletic tragedy worthy of Shakespeare,” according to the Washington Post. Yet the Post served up but prose; I herewith step in to fill the void, with sincere apologies to the Bard.”*
RGIII: A Shakespearean Tragedy
by Jared Walczak
LARRY MICHAEL, an announcer.
RGIII out of the shotgun, pressure coming, he steps into the pass rush, pass is wobbly–it was tipped–picked off Number 23 of the defense in what is shaping up to be another ugly outing for the first round pick from Baylor… SONNY JURGENSEN, a color commentator.
Alack, ’tis he: he doth throw even now
As though possessed of a wand’ring spirit,
which lists hither and yon, mad as the vex’d sea
Crown’d with collegiate laurels, now wilted and decayed,
The once flower’t, now decked with bitter weeds.
What offereth Subway foot-longs
In restoring pocket presence? JAY GRUDEN, the coach.
What I believe I’ll wail,
What I know believe, and what I can redress;
As I shall find the time to reteach the fundamentals, I will.
What you have spoke, it may be so perchance.
This athlete, whose sole name blisters our tongues,
Was once thought talented: you have loved him well.
He had not disappointed you aforetime. I am new;
but something you may deserve of him through me;
To offer up a weak poor innocent coach,
To appease an angry owner. ROBERT GRIFFIN III, the athlete.
I am not treacherous. GRUDEN
But Snyder is.
But I shall crave your pardon;
That which you are my thoughts cannot transpose:
Draft day hopes are still bright, though the brightest fell.
Let us rather hold fast the final games, and like good men
Bestride our down-fall’n franchise: each new Sunday morn
New losses mount, new hopes are dashed, new sorrows
Strike the longsuffering fan in the face, that he resounds
As if he felt with indigenous persons long maligned, and yell’d out
With rage the syllables of dolour. GRIFFIN III
I am dying, D.C., dying; only
I here importune being benched awhile, until
Of many advertising contracts, for the poor last
I extract my recompense. GRUDEN
I dare not, Three–
My dear star, pardon,–I dare not,
Lest my career be ended: not the imperious show
Of the ill-fortuned Snyder ever shall
Be sufficient unto me; if fired, I am safe:
But shall I suffer my career to vanish
Along the shores of dank Potomac?
Go, quick, or I am done! JURGENSEN
Here’s sport indeed! How heavy weighs lost draft picks.
Our strength is all gone into the ranks of St. Louis;
That makes the weight: had I great Fortune’s power,
The strong-arm’d Luck should fetch thee up,
And set thee well astride, in this division.
Yet come a little,–
Wishes were ever fools. THE MALEVOLENT HOST, the tailgaters.
If we be not relieved of him within this hour,
We must return to the doubleheader: the game is better. COLT McCOY, the journeyman.
The mob beckons me; now I begin my story. GRIFFIN III
Be witness to me, O thou blessed owner,
When men revolted shall upon record
Bear hateful memory, that than Cousins and McCoy
I be the no less ennobled. SNYDER, the owner.
Give me a living reason he cannot play. GRUDEN
I do not like the office:
But sith I am enter’d in this cause so far,
Prick’d to’t by the tatter’d remnants of dignity,
I will go on. I started that star Griffin lately;
And, being troubled with enraging game film,
I could not sleep. SNYDER
The fault, dear Gruden, is not in our stars,
But in yourself, that we are underlings in the NFC East.
*Really, with apologies. Much of this is taken directly from various works of Shakespeare with adaptations appropriate to the tragic tale being told.
Originally posted as a note on Jared’s Facebook page; posted here by the kindest of permissions.