The following article appeared in today’s Funion, a spoofy spoof of the Onion. With all appropriate apologies to all involved.
Gays Decry Union of Rocker and Florida Megachurch Pastor
ORLANDO, FL (Funion News Network) – Gay activists are crying foul this morning after Orlando area pastor Paula White married former Journey rocker Jonathan Cain. White’s marriage to Cain is the third marriage for the pastor of New Destiny Christian Center.
Gay activist Randy Thompson of Florida’s LBGTQQI activist group LBGTQQI Unite said the White-Cain union cheapens an institution gays are poised to enter.
“We are just now entering into the age-old institution and straights keep mucking it up,” Thompson said.
White and Cain could not be reached for comment, being away on their honeymoon. However, White’s spokesperson, Trevor Spokes-Wong said that White’s marriage celebrated man-woman marriage like “new wine poured into new wine-skins.”
Spokes-Wong added, “White has celebrated man-woman marriage three times now; there are few megachurch pastors who have celebrated this straight institution more than White.”
University of Florida professor of sociology, George Widlock, said marriage has been redefined by straights over the last half-century. “The battle between gays and straights is intensifying to see which groups can redefine marriage the most. Our data indicate that the straights are winning.”