Category: Lame attempts at humor

Post-Christmas Stress Disorder – Signs and symptoms

Now that Christmas is past, I suspect symptoms of Post-Christmas Stress Disorder will be observed frequently (no, don’t ask what frequently means, just go with me here). Be sure to seek treatment at the first signs of trouble.

Diagnostic Criteria for 311.5x Post-Christmas Stress Disorder

A. Four (or more) of the following symptoms have been present during the same two-week period and represent a change from previous functioning. The individual:

(1) refuses to take down Christmas decorations within one week after Christmas. (In chronic cases, leaves decorations up year round.) Note: In children, makes Christmas related requests year round;

(2) seeks out shopping opportunities on the day immediately following Christmas;

(3) describes depressed mood, more days than not (e.g., sings “Blue Christmas” repeatedly);

(4) manifests vocal tics (e.g., “Ho, ho, ho”);

(5) displays compulsive Christmas related behavior (e.g., Wraps and unwraps presents even though no gift is inside);

(6) displays at least once, catatonic, expectant behavior (e.g., Stands for long periods of time, immobile, under mistletoe);

(7) describes gift returns which outnumber presents received;

(8) is avoidant of references to Christmas (e.g., refers to “holiday trees,” “holiday ornaments,” “happy holidays” and/or “the Sparkle season;”

(9) displays irrational interpersonal behavior (e.g., Calls the time and temperature recording to wish him a Merry Christmas); and

(10) mainfests inappropriate startle response (e.g., jumps or easily startled by video game or other novel noises).

B. Symptoms do not meet criteria for Post-Christmas Adjustment Disorder

C. Symptoms cause clinically significant distress

D. Symptoms aren’t due to effects of a substance (e.g., eggnog, fruitcake, punch, etc.)

Specify (for current or most recent episode)

.x1 Mild – minimum number of symptoms are net

.x2 Moderate – six or more symptoms

.x3 Severe – nearly all symptoms but without delusions/hallucinations

.x4 Severe with hallucinations (e.g., Converses with “ghost of Christmas past, present or future”)

.x5 Severe with delusions (e.g., Arms self to protect against Grinch)

.x6 With trauma associated (e.g., Witnesses mother kissing Santa Claus)

.x0 Unspecified

May we be spared this fate.

Ahmadinejad Invites U.N. Inspectors to Search for Homosexuals

This just in from Andy Borowitz…

Ahmadinejad Invites U.N. Inspectors to Search for Homosexuals

Permits Use of Advanced Gaydar

Just days after asserting that there are no homosexuals in Iran, Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad today invited United Nations inspectors into his country to search for homosexuals.

“We have nothing to hide,” Mr. Ahmadinejad said in a speech to the United Nations General Assembly. “You can search the entire country – even the airport bathrooms.”

While some senior U.S. diplomats expressed skepticism about the Iranian president’s offer to allow U.N. inspectors to search his country for homosexuals, Mr. Ahmadinejad attempted to silence the skeptics by permitting the use of “advanced gaydar technology” as part of the proposed inspections.

“In Iran we have the most advanced gaydar in the world and we are prepared to share it with you,” he said.

In the immediate aftermath of Mr. Ahmadinejad’s speech, it was unclear as to who would lead the U.N.’s inspection efforts, but most diplomats assumed that the task would fall to Mohamed ElBaradei, head of the International Atomic Energy Agency (IAEA).

At a press conference at the United Nations, Mr. ElBaradei acknowledged that he had no previous experience searching for homosexuals, but said that if chosen to lead the inspection effort he would make sure that the inspections were “rigorous and thorough.”

“The possibility that Iran may possess homosexuals is a serious matter to the world community,” Mr. ElBaradei said. “There has been evidence for some time that Iran may be attempting to build a Broadway musical.”

Elsewhere, President Bush made his first official comment on the situation in Myanmar, telling reporters, “I will support whichever side is easier to pronounce.”

Source: The Andy Borowitz Report…

Music city conference report: Day One

In Nashville and spent the afternoon and much of the evening getting ready for the Pre-conference workshop on Sexual Identity Therapy tomorrow morning. Musicians and microphones are everywhere here — even the airport — which in my mind is a good thing.

I was initially scheduled to be on the Mike and Juliet Morning Show thursday morning but was replaced by ex-gay therapist Jayson Graves. Although I think Jayson is a thoughtful guy, I was deemed a bit too measured for the event. And besides, he is younger and has more hair. I think that was the real reason. I was somewhat disappointed though because I wanted to tell my Juliet Huddy story. So y’all get to read it. Quite awhile back, I was interviewing a young man who was in distress over his homosexual attractions. In the interview, as is customary, I did a full assessment of sexuality and in so doing asked if he had any opposite sex attractions. He thought for a bit and said, he generally didn’t but there was one woman on TV he was attracted to “in that way.” When I asked who it was, he said, Juliet Huddy. I wonder if she would have blushed?

In honor of my surroundings, here is a bunch of country music talent all in one place…

ApRiL FOols DaY AnnOunCemeNt!

Today, I am holding a news conference in Nashville to announce I am leaving academia to begin my music career. It has been a great run in the land of books and standard deviations but it is time to start pursuing these foolish dreams.

Wish me the best…

UPDATE: 4/2/07 – First day out was pretty good; first single charted at #1.

Soundclick Rock Chart