The following article appeared in today’s Funion, a spoofy spoof of the Onion. With all appropriate apologies to all involved.
Gays Decry Union of Rocker and Florida Megachurch Pastor
ORLANDO, FL (Funion News Network) – Gay activists are crying foul this morning after Orlando area pastor Paula White married former Journey rocker Jonathan Cain. White’s marriage to Cain is the third marriage for the pastor of New Destiny Christian Center.
Gay activist Randy Thompson of Florida’s LBGTQQI activist group LBGTQQI Unite said the White-Cain union cheapens an institution gays are poised to enter.
“We are just now entering into the age-old institution and straights keep mucking it up,” Thompson said.
White and Cain could not be reached for comment, being away on their honeymoon. However, White’s spokesperson, Trevor Spokes-Wong said that White’s marriage celebrated man-woman marriage like “new wine poured into new wine-skins.”
Spokes-Wong added, “White has celebrated man-woman marriage three times now; there are few megachurch pastors who have celebrated this straight institution more than White.”
University of Florida professor of sociology, George Widlock, said marriage has been redefined by straights over the last half-century. “The battle between gays and straights is intensifying to see which groups can redefine marriage the most. Our data indicate that the straights are winning.”
Yesterday, Right Wing Watch featured Scott Lively and Rick Wiles waxing apocalyptically on Wiles radio show. The essence is that September 23, 2015 is a pivotal date. On that day, the Antichrist (said personification of evil is said to be the leader of the “largest superpower in the world”) will pardon all the world’s debts and be hailed as the “hero of the world.” From there, the Antichrist will bring in the Apocalypse.
Lively then praises Vladimir Putin for his efforts to stifle free speech and association in Russia. Lively believes homosexuality is a tool of the Antichrist and a part of the great demonic plot to launch the reign of the Antichrist.
Here is what I don’t get. If these guys believe the evidence points to a September 23, 2015 beginning of the end, then why do they think their efforts matter? If September 15, 2015 is an appointment on God’s calendar, then who or what could change that? As this website reminds, the New Testament makes it clear that only God knows when the The End Time cometh. If these guys think the fireworks begin on 9.15.15, then shouldn’t they just get out of the way?
There are other problems with their scenario. The description of the Antichrist sounds like either Obama or Xi Jinping. Although I lean toward Obama as Lively’s mystery AC, I wonder if Lively means Xi because China could forgive a lot of debt. I don’t know how Obama forgives debt since we owe so much.
In any case, with Lively all roads lead to Gay. Gays are the ruination of the world and for reasons not totally clear to me, nations of the world need to deprive certain citizens of their rights. As noted above, I am not sure how that is going to help since these guys have the times and the seasons all figured out. Maybe Lively thinks he can prevent the Apocalypse or push it back a little.
It is distressing to think that Lively’s single-minded efforts are driven by eschatology gone awry.
UPDATE 1/5/13: But now see this: EAP Brochure describing homosexuality as an addiction.
When I asked Bell whether or not this brochure was his, he wrote back (1/4/13) saying:
Why do you ask?
Do we need to modify the current investigation to include that of
harrassment and electronic stalking?
You had no desire before to verify any content that included us. You decline, as do others, to print the requested retraction.
O.A.T.S. in Virginia
This just gets stranger and stranger.
This just came in my inbox from Virginia pastor Raymond Bell:
We are contacting the respective groups we feel should be aware of some events over the last several days.
Beginning on December 20th and article (source unknown) began circulating on the internet alleging contact with us as well as slandering our company.
The following have published this article and republished the article:
Gay Star News
And the blog of Professor Warren Throckmorton of
Grove City Christian College
As the entities were identified, contact was made and they were advised we had no knowledge of the article and had never been contacted despite being named as a source. They were each directed to post and publish retraction.
They have declined.
As this is internet based it crosses both state lines and international boundaries making it a matter for federal offices and federal authorities.
We ask that your office investigate as to the conduct of these groups and if within your reach to remove any operational privileges, rights, licenses, or other operational provisions.
Overcoming Adversity Through Silence
in cooperation with
Cowboy Church of Virginia
Bell is referring to a post I put up earlier today. I did not republish the Gay Star News story but instead referred to it as an illustration. I contacted Bell and then he replied indicating that he had not spoken to reporters. I changed my post to reflect his communication to me about the Gay Star News story on December 20.
Mr. Bell’s complaint is with Gay Star News. It is perfectly reasonable to report what another source has said. In the event of a misquote or allegation of a made up story, it is also reasonable to report that which I did in the earlier post and am doing now.
The Official Winter Wear™ of Journey Into Manhood unveiled!
You have to feel it to heal it!
On Wallbuilders Live today (via RightWingWatch), we get this nugget of wisdom from David Barton:
They [the founders] didn’t know what the word “adolescent” meant. And, by the way, I checked with Rabbi [Daniel] Lapin, he says that is not a word that appears in Hebrew because it’s not in the mind of God. God wasn’t into adolescence, He was in to having you become productive, having you be fruitful, having your produce and so that’s why there was no adolescence in the Founding Era; that’s a modern phenomenon, that’s a progressive liberal phenomenon is adolescence.
This will come as startling news to James Dobson, who wrote “Preparing for Adolescence.” He will have to rename his book: Preparing for the Progressive, Liberal Phenomenon.”
I always thought puberty dealt teens a hormonal deck of cards that was something different than childhood and adulthood. Now that you think of it, hormones probably are liberal.
Aristotle once said, “Youth are heated by nature as drunken men by wine.” Democrat!
Did he just say that God’s mind is limited to Hebrew?