According to reports, a threat against a witness for UK reparative Lesley Pilkington has postponed her hearing before the British Association for Counseling and Psychotherapy. I have heard through sources there that the threat is being investigated. Ms. Pilkington is being scrutinized due to her statements about homosexuality made to Patrick Strudwick, a journalist who went undercover to find out how a reparative therapist operated.
On the 17th, Ms. Pilkington went on radio to explain her approach and discuss the situation. Click the link to hear the broadcast.
In it, she refers to the National Association for the Research and Therapy of Homosexuality (NARTH) as the largest reparative therapy organization in the world. I suppose it is, but she doesn’t mention that there are fewer than 100o members, with a smaller subset actually having advanced mental health degrees.
When asked by the host how one can convert someone from gay to straight, Ms. Pilkington said surveys show that “daddy issues,” namely relationship with father is the main factor involved. She says that the bond is the problem, but then hastens to add that “we’re not blaming parents, I am not blaming any father at all.” Hearing the contradiction, the host asks if Pilkington’s husband failed their son (he is gay), and she answered, “we don’t use words like that.” However, she then says, “there were serious mistakes” and adds that there was “a failure at some level.”
This kind of double speak is typical of my interactions with reparative therapists. Pilkington says reparative therapists don’t use the word fail, and then she uses it in the next breath. Reparative therapists often say they are not blaming the parents, and then proceed to do so.
Mrs. Pilkington then says she seeks to bring healing in her therapy because “there will always be pain.” No doubt in any therapy situation, one can find something that is painful. However, finding pain in the life of someone who is gay does not mean that it relates to the cause of the sexual orientation. Furthermore, many gays with warm, loving parents would have to manufacture problems in order to meet up with Mrs. Pilkington’s expectations.
Finally, Pilkington conflates spiritual healing with the repair of some kind of parent-child break. She believes God can heal the relationship problems which she is sure are at the root of the same-sex attraction. Sadly, when the religious techniques don’t work to effect change, as is often true, the result can be despair and a sense of failure. I know of young men who have become disillusioned with their faith, leaving it since it promised change without delivering on the promise.
David B., I believe there are several recent active threads where your abortion comments would be appropriate and on topic.
Warren,
I appreciate your observations about reparative therapy. The double speak, despair, and disillusionment very much describe my experiences in ex-gay ministry counseling and professional Christian counseling. Thank you for articulating the confusing and negative results of ‘ex-gay’ counseling so well.
The views you express on your blog continue to surprise me over the years. I assumed you would defend a Christian counselor from what some view as religious persecution by her professional organization and a bias reporter.
I have my own conflicted feelings about my Christian counseling experience. In some sense I agree with Pilkington’s defense. I, like Pilkington’s clients, willing sought a conservative Christian counselor, so it is hypocritical to protest the underlying religious doctrines the counseling is based upon. However, I do think the counseling I received and the psychological theories about homosexuality that were applied were harmful.
What has continually annoyed me about the ex-gay ‘counselors’ is the tendency keep a very squishy definition. Whether they are professionally accredited like Pilkington or lay counselors, they seem to seek the best benefits of being both a religious advocate and professional therapist. It seems Pilkington is arguing, in part, that any criticism by the professional board is religious persecution. Simultaneously, she wants to keep her professional certification so she appeals to her conservative Christian clientele as a therapist with more training and certification than the average reverend or religious layman.
This is your belief and I believe your conviction about it. Others may or may not believe you and that is why I said earlier that if there is evidence that cannot be refuted and it is widely publicized as such by a respected a credible individual, then anything anyone else would say to the contrary, would be a moot point.
Speaking of abortions – when it became known that a heart begins beating at 3 weeks gestation, that fact has changed many minds about when life begins. If a life isn’t viable, then why does it’s heart have to be stopped, and it’s life terminated? Usually a woman does not even know she is pregnant until 5-6 weeks gestation, after the heart starts beating. Before that knowledge became available, people were believing what information they had and basing their decisions on that and I would tend to think that if they knew what they know now, some women would not follow through with the abortion.
Couldn’t the same be true about the myriad of thoughts and opinions on sexual orientation? We know what we know now and our thoughts follow that knowledge. I still maintain that, when we know more, our thoughts tend to shift in one direction or the other – rarely do we stay in the middle. Right now we have very limited knowledge about orientations and yet there seems to be so many people who think they know all the answers.
Ann –
I meant viable outside the womb. That isn’t possible until at least 27 weeks, if I”m not mistaken. And yes I knew that scientifically accurate yet irrelevant factoid already.
But congratulations on NOT changing my positions on abortion OR sexual orientation. Not even close. Way to go, champ!
What or who is NOM?
NOM. National Organization for Marriage.
The only one here that I recognize is Exodus – are they well endowed, well, monitarily that is? Also is the FRC the Family Research Center? I don’t know anything about them except I have heard their name. The others I don’t know at all. How do you know they are backed with a lot of money?
Ok, yes, I have heard of them. I think the head person ( a lady ) was on Larry King once when I was watching.
I do, too. I don’t buy the “behavior/identity/lifestyle” reduction — or the term SSA. I hate “SSA”. Makes it sound like a disorder or disease, which it is not. I call all of this “squishy” ex-gay lingo “Exodus Newspeak” and it has always bothered me immensely.
Warren has called their approach “reframe and resist”, not acutal “reorientation”. He’s right on that. I recently asked a long-term Exodus leader who has since left the organization if, in all his years with Exodus, he had ever met a gay man who had become heterosexual through Exodus. He understood the question clearly. His blunt answer? “Not one.” (And he used to proudly call himself “ex-gay”.)
Now they say the opposite of “homosexuality” is “holiness”, not heterosexuality. Exodus once actually officially defined “homosexuality” and “heterosexuality”. At that time (about 1991) they were clear that being homosexual was about “romantic, emotional and sexual attraction.”, Their definition of “heterosexuality”, on the other hand, said nothing of heterosexual “attraction” as part of being “ex-gay”, only the “ability to relate to the opposite sex without fear or distaste”. Heck, by that defintion, some straight people aren’t straight.
When I pointed this out to then President, Bob Davie, they just removed all definitions and have left things “squishy” ever since. As one female co-founder of Exodus admits, “Exodus has always had a problem with definitions.” Personally, I think it’s often deliberate.
Ann# ~ Jan 24, 2011 at 4:57 pm
“How do you know they are backed with a lot of money?”
Because the spend a lot on anti-gay campaigns in various states around the US. Many of them have used used their anti-gay stances for fund-raising.
I know! I don’t like the squishy definitions either but that’s sort of what we are left with. Things aren’t so black and white as many intersexed people will tell you. there is a lot of variation in people’s lives and trying to quantify anyone in categories may not work.
What if we really saw ourselves as people. Just people. Niether Jew nor gentile, niether man nor woman, etc..etc.. just people of Christ.
Mary,
Perhaps you missed my response in all the recent posts, but I would appreciate it if you would explain what you are referring to in this comment.
Mary# ~ Jan 24, 2011 at 12:24 am
“You either have a short memory as to what you agreed to”
Ken,
My mistake. I thought we were on the same page with a couple of ideas but I see that is not the case.
Mary, by “intersexed” do you mean “intermediate or atypical combinations of physical features that usually distinguish female from male”?
According to wikipedia, “This is usually understood to be congenital, involving chromosomal, morphologic, genital and/or gonadal anomalies, such as diversion from typical XX-female or XY-male presentations, e.g., sex reversal (XY-female, XX-male), genital ambiguity, sex developmental differences. An intersex individual may have biological characteristics of both the male and the female sexes.”
Are you suggesting that “ex-gay/post/former” gays have such congenital, chromosomal, morphologic, genital and/or gonadal anomalies”? Do you describe yourself as such?
BTW: I do accept people as people — of equal dignity and value regardless of what labels they may or may not apply to themselves. The labels only help to describe sexual orientation (gay, bi, straight, etc.) They are not meant to define the totality or “identity” of the “person”. At least, that is not how I used these terms. I’m a gay male. My brother is a straight male. That’s all. No negative or positive implications about us as people.
Michael,
Don’t read so much into it. Take it as simply as possible – maybe we are a diverse people.
Hey, I am all for diversity. And being clear about language.
I’m not sure we have develop the language to describe the human experience.
We do a fairly decent job of it. And we can always endeavor to be as clear and honest as possible.
Maybe YOU don’t have the language. Maybe YOUR beliefs of a homosexual pathology are difficult for you to express. The rest of us are quite clear, to ourselves and others, when it comes to “same sex attraction” what we mean by it.
People like Randy Thomas from Exodus who cling to terms like “post-gay Christian journey” aren’t trying to be clearer, but rather, the opposite – hide the fact that they will never change their sexual orientation, no matter how much prayer and therapy they undertake. If they could change these things, they would call themselves straight (which I once caught Randy doing a few years ago, before he wised up and realized this counted as lying).
Emily,
I agree with you that the language is not yet there for many. Did you know the word homosexual has only existed about 150 years?
Yes I did. Before that, the common word was “sodomite,” or “pervert,” or “invert,” or “bugger,” or maybe even “dirty filthy diseased ‘it.’”
Emily, K,
OK, earlier in this thread, Michael said this about same sex attraction:
And then Stephen said this about same sex attraction:
And then David Roberts concured with this:
Would concur with them or are you saying that you (notice I didn’t use CAPS) are using the term to describe your (notice again – no CAPS) sexual orientation?
Emily K,
Having said this, then why would you say this:
You (no caps) don’t want anyone to change your (no caps) positions on orientation, yet you (no caps) are doing this very same thing to Randy. Seems like a contradiction to me.
Or “Queer”
Seems like now gays are not allowing people who are different find a direction and name for themselves without being called derogatory names.
Ann, “Queer” is a current term and, like the term “Jew,” needn’t be derogatory, but instead descriptive.
“sodomite” and “bugger” have not achieved that status, in my observation. We don’t yet have “Sodomite Theory” offered as a class in colleges.
Emily,
The point being that a descriptive word of a person who belongs to a certain group is something that develops and grows over time.
Back in the day, when we were fighting for gay rights, I never expected children being born in the 80′s and 90′s to then begin to refer to any other group in a disrespectful manner. That was not our intent. We wanted fairness for diversity – not more negativity.
“Queer” is a current term and, like the term “Jew,” needn’t be derogatory, but instead descriptive.
sorry everyone – this is the way it should read
Emily K,
Did you read David Robert’s comment admonishing the use of the word and asked that it be used with caution, if ever? The word offends me and others. Isn’t that good enough to ask you to stop using it? If not, then please do not ever, ever use it again when referring to children. That term encites bullying – both verbal and physical in schools, playgrounds, and other places children gather. In a time when we are trying to teach children acceptance and understanding and that, if they bully with words, names, or physically, they will be held accountable. Hearing adults, even if they are in their twenties, use the word Queer, is just not acceptable or conducive to what we are trying to accomplish in eradicting bullying.
Some helpful resources:
http://www.queeryouth.org.uk/community/
http://www.amplifyyourvoice.org/youthresource
http://queeryouthspace.com/
More:
http://www.qyla.org/
http://www.thenation.com/blog/155219/against-bullying-or-loving-queer-kids
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Queer_theory
I have posted several links to Queer Youth resources that should Warren let out of the spam queue you can explore for yourself.
I suggest visiting the Colorado Queer Youth Summit, Queer Youth Leadership Awards, Queer Youth Space, and the wikipedia page for Queer Theory.
here’s one related to bullying: http://www.thenation.com/blog/155219/against-bullying-or-loving-queer-kids
Emily K,
I suggest you go to an elementary school playground for the real story about using the word “Queer”. Or go to a middle school dance or a a high school football game or gym. The word encites humilitation, bullying, and worse. Again, I am going to ask you to not use the term when you are referring to children as you have now on several posts.
Emily,
I am not interested in this – it holds no value. I am interested and concerned about how children react to that word. Again, I am going to ask you to not use it when referring to children.
Stephen,
You made a comment about Narth being a religious organization and that they believe that the only cure for homosexuality was to pray away the gay. This really surprised me and I asked you to show me something that validated your claim. Were you able to do that yet? If you don’t have time, I understand.
Oh. Ok. I wasn’t made aware this is what you were asking until your recent comments. Request denied.
and for the record, my specific high school was quite welcoming of their queer children, and the elementary school my little sister attends is extremely welcoming of a transgender little girl. (and this too is under the rainbow queer umbrella.)
lol. i should call it the “queer-brella.”
Let me clarify my statement on this. My comments concerned suggestions on etiquette for people who are not gay using the word “queer” as a descriptor for GLBTs. I never suggested one should ban the word. As with the word gay, society determines the meanings of words with usage over time. This is what is happening with the word queer now.
As I specifically pointed out in my original comment, younger people seem much more comfortable with the word queer to describe GLBTs. Many use it proudly as a word redeemed from a slur to a legitimate label. However, and this is key, some older GLBTs do still find it offensive, mostly when used by a heterosexual. We don’t have to look far for analogs to this.
I would submit that Ann’s reaction to the word and request that it never be used when discussing children is not only out of date, but probably more likely to foster a feeling of shame than would come from it’s use. The truth is, while many of us have been away from school, this terminology has become more common and accepted. They would just look at us funny if we were to tell them it is not to be used.
So back to my original comment, if one is heterosexual and is compassionate enough to desire to avoid offending someone who is GLBT, then one should be careful with the target audience when using the word queer. If the audience is 40′s plus, I would suggest not initiating it’s use, though it’s perfectly fine if you discover that there is no objection.
I would have to disagree with this. The word is not the problem, it is the terms of usage. That goes equally for gay, lesbian, homosexual and a host of others. Banning the use of the word just hides the real issue.
Nor should we abandon the use of the n word in Twain novels.
Nor should we prevent others from identifying themselves in a manner that is fitting and respectful.
I agree with David, above. I sometimes use the word “queer” to refer to myself. In everyday speech, my friends and I can refer to ourselves by a whole range of terms, seriously or in jest. We’re friends.
I am not for banning any word. Just be as clear as possible about how and why you are using it. And try not to use words to inflict pain, hide the truth or promote injustice. Especially don’t use words to incite violence.
I usually use gay, sometimes homosexual. Some of my gay friends hate the word homosexual. I have even used “SSA” at times even, though I cringe a bit because it sounds like a “condition” or disease. Gay fits best for me. The way I see it, it’s all about tone of voice, the target audience and the intent of the speaker.
Soooo true!
I have deleted a couple of comment that included, innocently I believe, slurs relating to African Americans, Jews, and whites. I do not believe they were used with any negative intent. However, I want to move this topic back to the topic of the post. Thanks to all commenters for the discussion on the use of the word queer but I want to move the conversation away from an area that could get offensive quickly. I am probably being a bit cautious but humor me.
David Roberts,
How do you apply this analogy to children in grade school or junior high school or high school? Do you think they are able to or willing to discern to the degree you are indicating or have the compassion you are referring to?
Ann, did you not read Warren’s request?
I suggest Warren delete these last two comments as well so the thread can veer back on topic. Otherwise I reply to your new comment, you reply, someone else chimes in, etc.
BTW: Is there any good, solid, scientific evidence that fathers cause their sons to be heterosexual? Could heterosexuality be inborn?
So Leslie Pilkington is practicing psychotherapy on vulnerable Christian clients who have unwanted Same Sex attractions (or are gay, hat tip Michael). But she is doing it in a distinctly Unchristian manner.
She is not telling the truth.
There is nothing Christian or psychotherapeutic about Pilkington’s intervention if it does not meet this simple criteria.
That is common ground.
Amen.
So do I. More than I can count.
Michael,
Honestly, I don’t think heterosexuality or homosexuality is inborn. I think these things develop based on our culture, place in time, history, family, genetics predispostitions working in combination together.
It is such a vast and kinetic subject that catching up to is is tireless.
Yes it is David
David, she is also defrauding the NHS.