Recently, I posted a link to a NPR broadcast outlining two approaches to treating children who are gender non-conforming in their play and activity preferences. In light of that broadcast and the controversies surrounding these different approaches, I provide an update from Danielle, the mother of twin boys first featured in a 60 Minutes broadcast originally aired on March 12, 2006. The segment, titled Science and Sexual Orientation, was by any measure a provocative program. The producer answered numerous questions about the show on the CBS website and many blogs, including this one, provided commentary. I still use the clip in some of my classes to illustrate a variety of issues regarding how the media interprets sexual orientation research.
One of the most interesting aspects of the show was Leslie Stahl’s interview with twin 9-year-old boys, Adam and Jared. Recently, the mother of the twins, Danielle, wrote researcher Michael Bailey with an update regarding her son, Adam. Dr. Bailey and Danielle allowed me to share the note on the blog. She does not preach or lecture but rather reports on her experience. First, to set the stage, I want to reproduce an excerpt of the 60 Minutes segment introducing Adam and Jared:
The bedrooms of 9-year-old twins Adam and Jared couldn’t be more different. Jared’s room is decked out with camouflage, airplanes, and military toys, while Adam’s room sports a pastel canopy, stuffed animals, and white horses.
When Stahl came for a visit, Jared was eager to show her his G.I. Joe collection. “I have ones that say like Marine and SWAT. And then that’s where I keep all the guns for ‘em,” he explained.
Adam was also proud to show off his toys. “This is one of my dolls. Bratz baby,” he said.
Adam wears pinkish-purple nail polish, adorned with stars and diamonds.
Asked if he went to school like that, Adam says, “Uh-huh. I just showed them my nails, and they were like, ‘Why did you do that?’”
Adam’s behavior is called childhood gender nonconformity, meaning a child whose interests and behaviors are more typical of the opposite sex. Research shows that kids with extreme gender nonconformity usually grow up to be gay.
Danielle, Adam and Jared’s mom, says she began to notice this difference in Adam when he was about 18 months old and began asking for a Barbie doll. Jared, meanwhile, was asking for fire trucks.
Not that much has changed. Jared’s favorite game now is Battlefield 2, Special Forces. As for Adam, he says, “It’s called Neopets: The Darkest Faerie.”
Asked how he would describe himself to a stranger, Jared says, “I’m a kid who likes G.I. Joes and games and TV.”
“I would say like a girl,” Adam replied to the same question. When asked why he thinks that is, Adam shrugged.
In this email, Danielle reveals that at one time Adam thought he would like to be a girl. In fact, she considered puberty delaying drugs to allow Adam more time to reflect about his gender identity. At one point, he wanted to be a girl and bear a child via his own body.
With this update, Danielle discloses that Adam is not as definite about wanting to transition as he once was. She reports that he has adopted a male identification, albeit a somewhat unconventional one. Here is her update:
Adam has changed since we did the 60 Minutes show. He is the same yet different. From the research done a gazillon years ago about children like him- he’s basically following the guidelines as they were told to me. One day I would love to get my hands on the actual research papers! Anyway, he turns 12 on [recently]. He still shows a preference for society labeled “girl” items, yet he no longer states he wants to change his body into a girl. He no longer talks about having a baby from his actual body or wanting to know when he will start to grow his breasts. I think most of these changes are due to society (school peers) and his awareness of the actual facts of life. His favorite color is now purple instead of pink and he still prefers to buy “girl” tennis shoes. He dreams of becoming an actor/model and being a professional chef. As I stated, from what I know of this past research, he’s reaching the age where he’s blending in with his peers. I expect the next two years of Middle School to be difficult ones. Then he goes into High School where differences are just a way of life. I’m thinking he may actually find out who he is some time towards the end of High School. Again it follows what I know of this mysterious research paper.
I belong to several email groups with other families that have children like Adam. I don’t participate much because I’m not sure if most of them are following the right path with their children. I often wonder “if” I had told Adam that “yes” he could be a girl when he became old enough would he have stayed on that track of thought? However, at the urging of his therapist, I told him I understood he was a girl yet he was really a boy and couldn’t be a girl. A lot of the parents are allowing their children to grow long hair, dress 100 % as a girl, and go to school with a girl name and girl clothing. Therefore they are totally embracing their child in the opposite sex role. The children are living that role and that life style. So have I done my son an injustice by telling him that he has a boy’s body and even if he wants to be a girl during school hours he had to be the boy as his body was made? Then again, I have allowed him to wear just about anything he was comfortable wearing.
It’s a dilemma that I don’t think we will know the end of until this generation of children grows up. What happens if some of these children that have male bodies but are living life as a girl all through grade school finally reach an age where they decide they really don’t want to have a sex change and be a physical girl? Then what will the ramifications be on that child because of the parents’ actions?
It’s not like my child has Down syndrome and I can go to the library and check out 100s of books to get guidance on how to raise him. There just isn’t much out there for parents who face raising a child like my Adam. I have so many questions about parenting him and very little answers. So I go with my gut and wonder daily if I have made the wrong decision or if these other parents are making the wrong decision. Then again, what may be the wrong decision for one child in this situation may be the right decision for the other. Ah, what a world we live in! Fifty years ago we wouldn’t even be having these types of conversations or email groups.
I have to share something about Adam. I have often wondered how these other kids are developing compared to Adam. Many in the groups have started hormone therapy to stop puberty in the kids. That way the kids have more time to mature and make the final decision about the course of their lives. For the boys they won’t develop the deeper voice and the Adam’s apple and male characteristics. If they decide to transition the theory is that it will be easier without these developments. I made an appointment for Adam to have some baseline tests done. I was seriously thinking about doing the hormone therapy for him to give him more time too. However, much to my surprise he was ready deep into puberty. The doctor said we could still proceed with it but I really couldn’t expect to have undone what was already there. He was developing much earlier than expected. Now his twin, Jared, still hasn’t started into puberty. So, my question is – with boys that follow gender non-conformity – do they start developing earlier than their peers? I realize we won’t have the answer for many, many more years to come.
First of all, I am grateful to Danielle and Dr. Bailey for permission to reproduce this communication. Second, I think it is important for clinicians and advocates alike to reflect on what we can learn from this experience. As far as I can determine from available research, most boys who want to be girls later become men who don’t want to become women. Using the new paradigm with Adam may have altered his future in ways that could have added significant complication to his life.
Given that this email was sent to Dr. Bailey, I asked him for commentary.
Danielle is an admirable and unusual mother. She went to great lengths to protect Adam and to show him that she loved him regardless of his gender-related behavior and self-concept. She let Adam express his femininity (e.g., fill his room with “girls’” toys), while providing him with honest feedback about the likely results of his choices, outside their home. She also hesitated–in my view sensibly so–from encouraging Adam to begin a gender transition during childhood. I have met Adam, and I have read Danielle’s updates. I would be surprised at this point if Adam decides to change his sex. He seems a happy boy, and I expect he will become a happy young gay man.
I wonder, with Danielle, about the implications for gender-atypical children whose parents take the other, emerging, approach: allowing children to change their genders preliminary to biological sex changes in adolescence. Children like Adam start showing their behavior early (Adam at 18 months). All evidence we have suggests that only a minority (20% or fewer) of boys like Adam become women eventually. But if parents let boys become girls at childhood, will this drive up the probability? It seems highly plausible that it would. Sex reassignment is not minor medical intervention. It involves major surgery and lifelong hormonal treatments. All other things being equal, sex reassignment is something to be avoided. Of course, not all other things are equal. If a 6 year old boy wants to be a girl, it will cause him more short-term pain to refuse than to acquiesce. The costs and benefits are hard to estimate, and Danielle has been frustrated in her search for data-supported answers. It would be a fitting reward to her admirable example if people could set aside their differences (and the government could uncharacteristically support research on a controversial topic relate to sex), and begin to collect and share requisite data.
Danielle and Adam should remind us that even if treated liberally, gender-atypical children will not necessarily choose sex reassignment. Indeed, perhaps the most liberal goal of all is to allow gender-atypical children to be comfortable in their own (non surgically altered) skin. By all appearances, that is what Danielle has accomplished.
Since this email, I have corresponded more with Danielle. She has added some additional detail which I will report tomorrow. Specifically, she describes how she has responded to Adam when he has expressed questions about transitioning.
IMHO the disorder comes in to play because something was damaged or altered in the brain. Increased non-righthandedness indicates something has been changed.
And why does “changed” automatically equal “disordered,” other than that the hypothetical change makes us act in ways that some other people disapprove of? When I initially told friends that I was transitioning, the reactions ran the gamut from “You’re rebelling against God!’ all the way to “Oh my God! That’s the coolest thing I’ve ever heard!” Which reaction was “right”?
If a child catches the mumps and loses his hearing should we teach him sign language or restore his hearing?
Yes, because a hearing impaired person is objectively disabled. And because restoring hearing does not involve forcibly restructuring someone’s personality. Feminine boys are not objectively disabled, they just make people like you uncomfortable. Your discomfort should be your problem, not theirs.
Your constantly bringing up left handedness is ironically ironic, because not so long ago that was considered a disorder that everyone was trying to “cure.” Now, no one cares.
And everyone else- anyone who tells you they know exactly what’s going to happen in this field in 30 years is full of it. I mean, not to be offensive, but Drowssap is the guy who didn’t even know that therapy has the potential to cause harm.
Ellie wrote:
Do you know what normative, in the philosophical sense means – hint it doesn’t mean normal (back to naturalistic fallacy) – it refers to what ought to be – as in morally ought to be – as in heterosexuality and homosexuality are equally valid moral states (and treated as such).
As to your comment that homosexuals would be less happy than heterosexuals – in an accepting environment – is impossible for you (or anyone) to know.
Ellie
Sorry, I gotta run and I don’t have time to respond to much of anything in this thread since last night…
However you mentioned that the Vaccine/Autism connection is bunk and you are correct.
MUCHO recent research shows that Autism is the result of a maternal immune response gone wrong. Flu virus appears to trigger this reponse in a few cases. Other than that they don’t know what triggers it. The mom’s immune system attacks the babies brain and scratches up the myelin which leaves the kid slightly damaged and potentially allergic to it’s own brain. That appears to be one reason why many autistic kids have inflamed brains.
Here are a few Autism links
Google:
California researchers say ‘flu virus in mothers can trigger schizophrenia and autism
Google:
Some Cases Of Autism May Be Traced To The Immune System Of Mothers During Pregnancy
Google:
Autistic kids have inflamed brains
Thank you Boo – why does “changed” for some automatically equal disordered? To echo another – whose name I’ve forgotten now – what if we one day discovered a High IQ/Intelligence level was caused by a virus or autoimmune process? Would this automatically make it a DISORDER? Surely we have other criteria that things should meet before they are classified as such?
Jayhuck said: The only people that cause the bulk of problems for gay people are conservative Christians.
I find this statement to be both reckless and confusing…with the ‘only’ thrown in along with ‘the bulk of’. In the future, could you clarify–and provide documentation if you plan to let the statement ride as fact. Thanks.
I find this statement to be both reckless and confusing…with the ‘only’ thrown in along with ‘the bulk of’. In the future, could you clarify–and provide documentation if you plan to let the statement ride as fact. Thanks.
I don’t know if there’s any documentation or study, but I’ve never been gay/trans-bashed by an atheist. I’ve been assaulted three times, once was also an attempted rape. Two required hospitalization. All three involved a disturbed individual first, but they were very much christian given the sorts of things they were screaming at me while they beat me. ‘Burn in hell fagg*t” and “Join sodom and gammorah” were the sorts of things they yelled in the assault.
Does that mean all christians hate gays? Of course not, not even close. However, everyone I know that has been assaulted, and all of my own assaults involved a christian as the person committing the assault.
This is of course entirely anecdotal, but again I simply don’t know any atheists that hate gays to the point of assault, however there are obviously not as many of them either, so…regardless. It’s VERY hard not to become anti-christian when you are GLBT, because you are just completely broadsided with hate, especially if you’re not in the northeast, or weast coast.
Nazis hated gays and they were not christians. Just a remark.
Eddy,
Where do you think people learned that GAY is bad – or rather, SINFUL? I’ve seen it in action my whole life Eddy – kinda hard to provide documentation for something like that. Conservative Christianity is what gives out the message to people that being gay is wrong and sinful. I’m not saying they are the ONLY cause of bigotry and prejudice that the gay community faces, but they either provide ammunition without clarification, or directly participate in discriminating against the gay community. I grew up in a very conservative Christian community, and state for that matter.
Its sad, but I don’t know any atheists that hate or discriminate against gay people either.
Pathia I wonder if they were really Christians though – or if they just co-opted anti-gay religious language.
I have noticed that people who aren’t seemly Christian in anyway (don’t go to church, don’t read the bible, don’t act out their faith etc) will sometimes state that they are against homosexuality because the ‘bible says so’. It is almost like they want to add a veneer of ‘respectability’ to their beliefs by using religious language – when what they really might feel is just negatively about homosexuals. Not of chose that there is *anytthing* respectable about attacking another person.
As for atheists, well I am sure there are some who feel negatively towards glbt persons. But secular humanists (which a fair number of atheists are) are probably one of the biggest pro-glbt groups out there.
I agree with you Patrick.
I also don’t want to make it sound like ALL conservative Christians are hateful, hate-spreading people. I don’t believe that. I think that conservative Christians often have good intentions, but don’t realize the consequences of their words and actions – especially when they aren’t backed up with some clarification.
I also agree that there are people who CLAIM to be Christians – who have a Christian veneer like you said – who abuse and discriminate against gay people.
It is a bit more complicated than I made out in my earlier post – and I do think conservative Christians are doing a much better job of explaining their positions – but when you’ve got a group of people saying that gays don’t deserve equal rights, that sends a message to people.
Pathia I wonder if they were really Christians though – or if they just co-opted anti-gay religious language.
Considering two of the assaults were done by people I knew from highschool, and knew decently well because we were in classes together. I ‘m pretty sure they went to church. Good ole’ southern baptists. Funnily enough the police that were about that laughed at me and called me a bitchy queen that got what she deserved. They wouldn’t charge the assaulter with anything, though they threatened to arrest me for disturbing the peace, because needless to say I was a bit hysterical at that point. They ALL went to the same church. Fancy that!
Gotta love the good old boy networks in the south, hmm?
Now, did they read the bible much? Probably not, but I bet they were ‘told what it said’ often enough.
They didn’t just hate gay people either, mind. The local country club forbid black and hispanic members, no matter their income.
The thread is drifting. Could we get it back to the mom of these twins or have we exhausted that topic?
I am still trying to find time put her follow up remarks together….
We might have exhausted the topic?
My bad! I’ve been weaning myself away from my addiction to this site and I should have let the overgeneralized statement stand unchallenged. I will refrain from responding to the replies to my post.
Two years since. It would be nice to have an update information.