Category: sexual orientation

Some interesting recent articles online from the APA Monitor. Specifically this one detailing the interface of romance and sexual attractions brings into mainstream discussion research and theorizing very relevant to the definition of ex-gays and change.

Daryl Bem briefly anticipated some applications of this work in July, 2005 on his website.

The subtitle of the APA article, “Why romantic love isn’t limited by a person’s sexual orientation” does not convey the bidirectional nature of Diamond’s views. It could have been better worded: “Why romantic love isn’t limited by a person’s sexual orientation and vice versa” According to Diamond’s 2003 scholarly article, romance can be a pathway to sexual interest as well as flow the other direction.

The first chapter in the book I am working on more fully expands this line of research and theory. I note that many same-sex attracted men (ala Jim in A Valued Life) seem more generally attracted to men but are heterosexually responsive only to their wives. Over the years, I have seen a handful of women who also demonstrate this sexual pattern. Such a framework would actually address many disconnects in we have discussed this issue over the years (Side one – “but you really are gay”; side two – “but I love and am attracted to my wife and that is a real change”).

Seems to me this perspective could accommodate all five vision-impaired men and their understanding of the elephant. Change might happen and not happen all at the same time to different degrees for different people. Men and women clearly differ. Men, in general, are probably less likely to show rapid or permanent change in general erotic attractions (but some men appear to take the romance road to heteroeros); whereas women appear to be more flexible. However, this cannot be viewed prescriptively (“just find a good woman/man and you’ll be fine”) since the interactions of the sexual attractions and romantic attachment systems are complex and cannot be reduced to a formula. In other words, you Can’t Force Love.

The development of the sexual identity therapy framework has been informed in part, for me at least, by this line of thought and theorizing. I think sexual identity ministries could find much here that would be beneficial.

Not sure how you get three years of analysis in three weeks, but here is a little insight into Mr. Haggard’s rehab. Further, the overseers reveal in a Denver Post article that he now believes he is “completely heterosexual.” There’s your long term therapy, your brief therapy and now, your microwavable therapy. I guess the commercials are sometimes true: Life comes at you fast.

Emails are running mostly positive regarding the sexual identity therapy paradigm. Used by permission, here is a reaction to the column, A Valued Life:

Good morning Dr. Throckmorton:

As a 63 year old man who has struggled with same sex sexual attractions for as long as I can remember, I found the subject of the article [A Valued Life] refreshing and insightful. Like Jim, my family background fits the stereotypical view concerning bonding with the same sex parent. My father was emotionally distant as well as being verbally and physically abusive with strong opinions on what it means to be a man. No matter how hard I tried, I could not live up to his preconceived image and eventually gave up trying to change myself to conform to that image. Also like Jim, I fervently prayed that God would “snap His fingers” and “make me normal”. However, unlike Jim when God did not respond with affirmative action, I rejected my religion for over 20 years by fully accepting my gay orientation as innate, immutable, and probably genetic.

Without going into details at age 40, I became disillusioned with gay life and again turned to God to change me and again did not get the desired response. Like Jim, I sought help from the institutional church and ex-gay ministries with disastrous results. The institutional church is not equipped to deal with those dealing with same sex sexual attractions and most ex-gay ministries promote a “cure” without calling change a “cure”. Unlike Jim I never sought professional help. I had several friends who were psychiatrists or psychologists and all of them took one of two positions. One is that it is impossible to change your orientation therefore just accept it. This position is in direct opposition to my faith. The other position was that change is not only possible but mandatory to live a life acceptable to God. This position is Pollyannaish and denies the reality of dealing with SSA on a personal level. I do not know of any mental health professional who expects straight men to live “perfect” lives just as I do not know of any institutional church that denies straight men “covet” women other than their wives. Although I do know a couple of ex-gays who have lost all attraction to other men the vast majority still deal with the attractions on some level.

Long story short, I came to understand what Paul meant when God‘s response to his thorn in the flesh was: “My grace is sufficient for you, My strength is made perfect in weakness.” “Going straight” is only a dream for most who deal with SSA, but living a valued life is an obtainable goal. Over the last 23+ years my attractions to men have diminished and I am no longer obsessed by the desire to be with another man. And to my surprise I now find women attractive but have no desire to complicate my life with marriage. Celibacy is not only attainable but can contribute to a valued life that is free from sexual tension (most of the time). For some of us who struggle God’s answer is celibacy, which frees us up to concentrate on exercising our talents in areas of life that can and do replace sexual intimacy. Emotional intimacy as an aim is underrated by the institutional church and seems to be totally ignored by the gay lobby. A hug from a true friend of the same sex is more powerful than those who are sexually active will ever understand. Our society has equated love with sex, God equates love with actions that benefit our fellow man. It takes time and effort to transition from “eros” to “agapao”, however the transition is worth the peace of mind.

Sincerely: (Name removed by request of the author)

There is an interesting discussion going on at ExGayWatch about an op-ed (A Valued Life) I posted elsewhere. Another article posted on my website is called Why Do I Have These Feelings? This piece is similar to a previous blog post but takes a different approach to the question. These two articles attempt to flesh out in a column format some of my thinking regarding ways to think about and respond to sexual identity conflict.