Category: The Trinity Church

Postcards from Phoenix: Friends May Not Be Friends Forever at The Trinity Church

This postcard from Phoenix highlights the role of distrust in bringing people into the orbit of the church. Kim Thompson had a preexisting distrust of media and the leaders of The Trinity Church used that to reduce her critical thinking about the promises made by the church leaders.

This story also revisits the recurring theme of friendship as a weapon. Apparently, Michael W. Smith would not be at home at Mark Driscoll’s church. When people leave The Trinity Church, friends are not friends forever.

Kim summarized her thoughts about the church by describing common themes of “control, manipulation, and fear mongering.”

She closes her message by challenging those who feel the stories of those who are leaving The Trinity Church are irrelevant to them. Those hurt by The Trinity Church didn’t want to leave. Everyone felt distant from the problems until they came home to them. She appeals to those who remain to consider the common good.

Dear Warren:

Our story at The Trinity Church began in December of 2019. We were attending another church in the valley at the time. We had been there for nearly 5 years. While we liked the church and tried hard, we didn’t feel we could get fully plugged in. We are not people who normally sit on the sidelines at churches. When the head pastor left to go to another job, some friends of ours mentioned that they were going to The Trinity Church, so we decided to visit. We knew Mark from the past but had not heard that he had another church in Phoenix. After one visit, we were hooked. The preaching was dynamic, and we loved the people. We went to the “Team Trinity” meeting and were so impressed with how eager everyone was to get us involved and serving. Since this was what we had been longing for at our old church, it was almost too good to be true….

We had been involved in a small Acts29 church plant here in the valley previously and have followed Mark since the 90’s, listening to his sermons online. We knew a lot of what had happened at Mars Hill, but honestly he seemed repentant and we had high hopes that he had healed from all of it. We even bought in when he said from the pulpit, “don’t believe everything you read online” and how evil the media can be, which we all have seen to be true, especially this year.

I began attending the Flourish women’s groups at night, my husband and I began leading a life group, our son began serving in the children’s ministry and even was able to join the flagship “Jr. Intern” program that began last summer. “The Backyard” was such a welcoming place where we visited after church with the pastors and staff and on Wednesday nights ate hamburgers together before the groups that night. It truly felt like a family. When the pandemic hit and church was cancelled, we were so sad because this church had truly become home to us and we couldn’t wait to attend every Sunday. When the church reopened, it was such a sanctuary for our family; the only place we could go each week that was “normal.” Our kids and our family were truly thriving here. Our 15 year old son became best friends with Mark’s son. It was such a gift. They got baptized together along with many others on the Jr. Intern team. Our married daughter and her husband starting attending as well when they moved back here from Colorado and our older college age sons attended as well when they were home. What a sweet time for our family, we filled an entire row each Sunday at the 11 am service.

Everything seemed perfect…until December of this past year. We had the interns at our home for a sleepover when I got the call from Pastor Mark. He was concerned that we had left the interns alone for 30 min with some other teenage girls at our home. I was arriving home from an event and got back a little later than I had planned. I basically got reprimanded from him. His first question was “Is your husband home?” (not gonna lie I was a bit taken aback that he didn’t even seem to know my husband’s name when his son spent so much time at our house) Bruce was on a hunting trip so he was not there. Then the interrogation began. I felt like I was talking to the principal after getting in trouble at school. The conversation ended with him saying “We are coming to get (Driscoll’s minor son).”* Grace came to get the interns and ended up taking them to his house for a sleepover (which I was confused about because of his daughter dating one of the interns, it seemed strange that they could sleep in the same house yet his son couldn’t be alone with girls for an hour at my house….) When Grace came in my house I told her how the conversation made me feel. I even began to cry because I was so upset and felt so vulnerable due to his tone with me and the lack of grace shown in the situation. She was very apologetic and said that I would not have known their family rules, etc. and that they were “under attack” due to baptisms taking place that weekend so they were kind of on edge. (I now see that this is the tactic used when they sin against someone, it is all “spiritual attack”. Convenient way to not deal with their bad behavior) I’m not going to lie though I kind of expected an email maybe from him at least apologizing for how it was handled. I now see why that was a ridiculous expectation.

We then heard murmurings from people about Dustin’s [Blatnik – former woship pastor] mysterious disappearance from leading worship. We heard that “he wasn’t leading his family well.” We found it interesting that he just disappeared with no explanation from the pulpit. I have never experienced that before. Normally even when a pastor is dismissed there is something said, wishing him well or explaining if there truly was sin involved.

In the fall a guy that had been in our life group was asked to leave the church over an incident that happened with him and another life group. I only heard the story second hand and actually at the time thought “wow, I’ve never been at a church where they actually practice church discipline” and was kind of impressed. Little did I know this would become a common practice……Fast forward to March when the Manuele’s situation happened. Katherine and I were friends and I realized I hadn’t seen her for several weeks at church which was unusual because they were normally there every week. I reached out to her via text to check in and that was when I heard about what happened with the intern (Katherine’s son) and Mark’s daughter. I was shocked. I literally could not believe something like that could happen at a church?! (See these links for this story – here, here and here).

A few weeks later we had made dinner plans with another couple. The wife cancelled at the last minute and just told me that “something unexpected had come up and they could use some prayer.” I figured maybe someone was sick or something. After a few weeks went by of not seeing them at church, I reached out to her. You can imagine my shock when I heard their story that they were also asked to leave the church! Now this was getting weirder by the day…

I began noticing security following Grace on Wednesday nights. She seemed to have her own bodyguard watching her every move. It seemed oddly paranoid to me. My daughter and I didn’t like the way Caleb (Grace’s security guard) stared at the women from the side of the room while we were worshipping on Wednesday nights. One night my daughter and I arrived early and tried to go into the meeting room..we were stopped and questions by security. We noticed more and more security present on Sundays, including the ushers following people to the bathroom and then back to their seats! This seemed very paranoid to us. There were the security guys poised in the front near the stage just staring out into the crowd. It felt like we were at a rally for the president or something…

I also never liked the “resource list” that was on the website that we were directed to use as table leaders so as not to recommend any books that may not be “sound.” One time Grace forwarded me an email from someone at my table who was looking for help in reading her Bible I was called out on a separate email because I gave her a blog that was for scripture writing that was not “approved.” I understood the idea behind this but it always gave me pause…I now see it was just another form of control.

We began noticing more and more people disappearing from church. Then we heard the stories about how people were told who they should and shouldn’t be friends with. We heard about the Manuele’s being surveilled. Could this actually be true that a church would involve their pastors in following a family?? Bruce called Carl (a staff pastor) at this time to ask him what the heck was going on. He was told that all these people were just out to get Mark. He stated that “they knew they would lose about 1000 people over this.” He seemed unbothered by the amount of people leaving. We began to feel more and more unease about attending the church any longer. We were heartbroken to even have to think about leaving as our family had grown so much and our son was so involved with the Jr. Interns, serving 3 days a week and loving it.

We have now heard about the families of his married kids who are being shunned. This is totally unacceptable and straight out of Scientology and what they call “Disconnection” which is “the severance of all ties between a Scientologist and a friend, colleague, or family member deemed to be antagonistic towards Scientology.”

I decided to make my exit from Flourish on the second to last week as we were leaving for our son’s wedding and would miss the last week. I had heard how people were shunned once they gave notice that they were leaving the church and did not want to not be able to say goodbye to my group of ladies at my table whom I loved so very much. I waited until the end of Bible study to tell them. I simply told them that my husband and I had prayed and decided that we were leaving Trinity and if anyone wanted to talk about it I was not going to talk there but could be reached outside of church. I had planned to send my resignation email that night after I got home. God had other plans….one of the ladies at my table ran to Grace after the meeting and told her I was leaving. Grace literally chased me down asking to talk to me. She brought me into the main area where women were leaving Bible Study. She asked me what was going on. I told her we were leaving the church and proceeded to tell her every single concern we had. All she could say was “they are all lies” and that she couldn’t believe I was buying into all the lies. When I brought up the December incident about the interns and how shocked I was that Mark never apologized, she had the audacity to say “I apologized for him.” I told her that my husband doesn’t make me do his dirty work. 🙂 When I asked her who we could contact with our concerns about how Mark and his staff were treating people, she told me “the overseers” and “the pastors.” I told her I had heard that people were contacting the overseers and no one was responding. I told her about Bruce’s conversations with Carl and that all he could say was the same thing, “they are all lies.” I finally had to walk away from the conversation as I had to pick up my kids.

Later that night, my son, _____ received the sweetest text from ________ (Driscoll’s son)*. I was heartbroken knowing that most likely their friendship was over. But that did not seem to be the case at the time. Driscoll’s son affirmed their friendship and even told my son that he hoped they could remain friends and still get together. We cried that night tears of joy for this small miracle as their friendship had been so sweet. Fast forward two weeks when my son realized that both Driscoll kids had “unfriended” him on social media. When my son questioned this saying, “I thought you said we could still be friends?” Driscoll’s son replied with “I am getting rid of all the people I follow that don’t go to the church.” Wow. Can’t say this was unexpected, but it was painful. Seems that they are teaching their kids to treat people the same way they treat them. So sad.

Leaving was certainly not easy. Looking back, I see how the cultish aspects of Trinity really took a hold on me. I have left churches in the past (never for these reasons) and it was never this difficult or emotional. Now that we are “out,” I have spoken to so many more who all have very similar stories. They are unique but have  common themes to them – control, manipulation, and fear mongering. There is no way that these are all a coincidence or lies. None of these people were “out to get Mark.” They all loved the church as much as we did and did not want to leave. Many that I speak to who have remained at the church say things like “none of these situations affected me or my family personally”, or “he is just such a good teacher” or “look how much fruit there is at the church” or “these people just don’t like Mark.” These are all things coming from leadership and used to get into people’s heads so they don’t leave.

We are still heartbroken that this happened. We were so hopeful that this time around Mark was going to be able to handle the fame and attention of being a pastor of a large church but it is clear that is not the case. We pray that he steps down before he does any more damage to his followers.

Before I close, let me add some words to Trinity attenders who think none of these situations directly impact you. I don’t know how this can’t impact you knowing that your pastor, who is supposed to be your shepherd and actually protect his sheep is in actuality harming many of the sheep in his care. It may not be you, your family or anyone you know but how can you ignore the stories of those who have experienced abuse? I know the answer everyone is being told to give is “It’s all lies” but what would be their motivation for lying? Everyone I know who has left did not wish to leave, they were either forced to or were like us and just couldn’t continue to attend a church that has no elders or accountability for the man that is in charge, especially when he has shown in the past to be dangerous to those under him. The heart of those of us who have left is for open eyes and to put Jesus back on the throne that Mark is currently sitting on. Mark frequently says “It’s all about Jesus” but how can that be when so many are getting hurt and no one seems to care? Just some thoughts for you to ponder on as you sit under his elderless leadership.

Kim Thompson

*I decided to remove the names of minor childen (Throckmorton)

To read all of the Postcards from Phoenix, click here.

Seven Years Ago, Paul Tripp Resigned from the Board of Advisors and Accountability of Mars Hill Church

Seven years ago today, popular Christian Bible teacher and counselor Paul David Tripp resigned from the Mars Hill Church Board of Advisors and Accountability. Based in Seattle with Mark Driscoll at the helm, the church’s history has gotten renewed interest recently due to vocal former members at Driscoll’s current church in Phoenix and a Christianity Today podcast series examing the rise and fall (in 2014) of the church. Here is the brief post from that day on this blog:

Paul Tripp has resigned from the Mars Hill Church Board of Advisors and Accountability.

Tripp, one of the newest board members and popular conference speaker, was unavailable this morning, but in response to my question about Tripp’s membership on the Mars Hill Church BOAA, Steve Sarkisian, Vice President of Paul Tripp Ministries, told me, “Paul resigned from the board.”

No reason was given for the departure.

Paul Tripp was appointed to the Board in November, 2013.

I will add more information as it becomes available.

More information did become available.

On August 1, the Mars Hill Board of Advisors and Accountability came out with a statement saying Tripp agreed to work as a consultant with no indication of trouble between Tripp and the board. However, later on August 12, Tripp disclosed that he did not believe the church structure of having a board of non-local advisors (such as exists now at Mark Driscoll’s The Trinity Church) is workable or helpful. He believed then that local oversight is needed.

The church at the time did not have true elder rule in that there was an executive board of elders made up of Driscoll, Sutton Turner, and Dave Bruskas. The other governing board was made up of advisors, such as Tripp, who did not attend Mars Hill and met infrequently.

Then later that month, we learned that Tripp believed that Mars Hill Church was

the most abusive, coercive ministry culture I’ve ever been involved with.

This statement came in a conversation with nine elders who still worked at Mars Hill and were getting advice from Tripp about how to effect change at the church. The elders decided to take what they called then “a bold stand” and call on Mark Driscoll to take time off and enter an elder directed plan of restoration. This was before the investigation into the formal charges against Driscoll came to the same conclusion. Eventually, Driscoll resigned instead of entering that process.

To read the Postcards from Phoenix series, click here

To read all Mars Hill Church posts, click here

 

And Then There Were 41: Two Additional Mars Hill Elders Sign the Statement Calling on Mark Driscoll to Resign from The Trinity Church

On Monday, Christianity Today posted a statement from 39 former Mars Hill Church elders who served from 2011 to 2014 which called for Mark Driscoll to step down as pastor of The Trinity Church in Phoenix. I followed that with an inside look at the development of the statement.

Today, I can report that two more elders have added their names to the list: Will Little and Phil Poirier. Since there are nearly 40 more who could add their name, there may be others who join the list. When you think even a little about this, it is a stunning occasion to have this many former staff take this kind of public stance.

Here is the current statement and list:

Statement from Former Mars Hill Church Elders:

We are saddened to learn that Mark Driscoll has continued in a pattern of sinful actions towards staff members and congregants as he pastors. The Trinity Church in Scottsdale, Arizona. These sinful leadership behaviors appear similar to what he exhibited in his leadership role at Mars Hill Church in Seattle. We are troubled that he continues to be unrepentant despite the fact that these sins have been previously investigated(1), verified, and brought to his attention by his fellow Elders,prior to his abrupt resignation. Accordingly, we believe that Mark is presently unfit for serving the church in the office of pastor. Knowing that we have no formal authority in this current matter, we hope that Mark will voluntarily
resign his position immediately. We also hope that those who have influence over Mark would encourage him to do so.

We sympathize with those who have been wounded by Mark and pray for their healing. We have engaged and heard from many former Mars Hill Church staff and members who were hurt by domineering leadership, harsh speech, and angry outbursts and are sobered by the devastation victims
have suffered. We realize that Mark left deep pain in the lives of many by being unwilling to seek restoration and reconciliation with those he has sinned against. We grieve the harm that has come to The Trinity Church as well as the damage to the reputation of Jesus among unbelievers through Mark’s words and actions.

We plead with Mark to participate in and submit to Christian conciliation(2), in the important work of pursuing repentance, reconciliation, and restoration with those he has harmed and sinned against. We are disappointed in the leaders who affirmed Mark’s role in planting The Trinity Church. They provided a ministry endorsement from a distance, rather than investigating carefully the charges against him and leading him in a process of repentance and reconciliation. This “translocal” advisory structure has allowed Mark to avoid the accountability he needs.

We hope and pray, by the grace of God, that Mark will submit himself to a prolonged season under the Godly leadership and direction of a local church body and Elder team. Many of us stand willing and ready to pursue reconciliation with Mark and assist others who also would like to do the same. Our hope is that after being restored in the future, Mark will find an appropriate place to serve and be served in the Body of Christ. However, we don’t believe that it would be prudent or healthy for him to be in a position of spiritual authority in a church or ministry setting for the foreseeable future.

In faith, hope, and love through Jesus,
Former Mars Hill Church Elders

Jerry Austin, Kyle Firstenberg, Will Little, Miles Rohde, Sutton Turner, Joel Brown, Carlos Garcia, Dick A McKinley, Paul Rohrbaugh, Matt Wallace, Dave Bruskas, Tim Gaydos, Ryan Mount, James Rose, Ryan Welsh, Ed Choi, Aaron Gray, Steven Mulkey, Gary Shavey, Ryan Williams, Josh Clayton, Bubba Jennings, Bob Paulsen, Tim Smith, Steve Zietlow, Gabe Davis, Matt Johnson, Tim Patton, Joe Stengele, Rich Downen, Brian Jonkman, Andy Phipps, Brian Stoddard, Cliff Ellis, Dave Kraft, Phil Poirier, Jim Tomisser, David Fairchild, Ryan Kearns, Adam Ramsey, Steve Tompkins

………………………………….

1 The Board of Elders of Mars Hill Church investigated the formal charges against Mark Driscoll and issued the attached findings on Monday, October 13, 2014
2 Christian conciliation is a Biblically based method of peacemaking in order to resolve conflict and restore relationships.

 

Inside the Former Mars Hill Church Elders Call for Mark Driscoll to Resign from The Trinity Church

In a stunning statement posted this morning at Christianity Today, 39 former Mars Hill Church elders call on Mars Hill co-founder and current The Trinity Church pastor Mark Driscoll to resign from his current post. Their message is simple: Driscoll was disqualified from pastoring at his former church and never completed a restoration process to become qualified. He now is repeating past mistakes and should step down.

This message follows months of revelations here on this blog, at Julie Roys’ website, and elsewhere from former The Trinity Church members of actions which sounded like the Mars Hill Church charges which were investigated in 2014. As former Mars Hill colleagues and executive committee members Sutton Turner and Dave Bruskas detailed in this interview with me last year, Driscoll resigned before he was restored to pastoral ministry at Mars Hill.

Inside the Statement

The elder statement dropped today has been in the works for several weeks. The CT article about the statement chronicles the interaction of some of those former Mars Hill leaders and members and recent Trinity Church leavers. There is a community of people from Seattle and Phoenix who now have Mark Driscoll in common. No doubt more than one person has said, ‘nice to meet you, sorry it is under these circumstances.’

The formal charges against Driscoll covered the years 2011-2014. The elders who were contacted to sign the statement served during that time frame. Thirty-nine elders signed the statement but there are 26 who agreed with it but declined to sign for various reasons. According to an elder close to the process, the main reasons elders who agreed with the statement declined to sign it was fear of legal or other kind of retaliation from Driscoll or fear of jeopardy to their current ministry or other job. Some worried about the emotional toll of public involvement. Very few, less than a dozen, disagreed with the action.

This statement comes during the “Rise and Fall of Mars Hill” podcast series which is shining a light on the Seattle megachurch. The cognitive dissonance must be extreme for people continuing to attend The Trinity Church.

The interviews with former executive elders at Mars Hill Church Sutton Turner and Dave Bruskas are below:

Part One

Part Two (Much of the discussion of the end of Mars Hill and Driscoll’s resignation is in this part)

Postcards from Phoenix: When Family Ties are Tested

In an earlier postcard, we heard from a young man who felt his family loyalties were tested by his employment at The Trinity Church. He felt he had to choose between his parents and loyalty to the leadership of the church. He chose his parents.

In this Postcard from Phoenix, Jolie Monea describes a similar situation. She feels estranged from her daughter (married to Zac Driscoll) because Jolie maintains relationships with people who have left The Trinity Church and have expressed their views publicly.

Church should not divide families. In fact, it seems like one of those red flags Julie describes when a church influences members to cut off family members when they aren’t sufficiently loyal or deferential to the leaders. I hope that the upshot of this situation is a restoration of family relationships and that all can get into a church which facilitates family ties rather than weakens them.

Warren-

I have been thinking about writing out my story for a while now but every time I sit down to organize my words, I am flooded with memories both good and bad from the last 8 years.  This postcard gives me the opportunity to pull back the curtain a little bit and look at my time at Mars Hill and Trinity.  Although there are many example’s I could give I am just going to recount one experience for this postcard.  Hopefully it will help me begin to untangle all the other things I have experienced and witnessed over the years. I also hope it will shine some light on the bigger issue of the continued patterns of abuse that happened behind the scenes at Mars Hill and are now happening a bit more openly at Trinity.

It would probably help for context to give a little background.  Our family began attending Mars Hill at the end of 2012 during a difficult season for us.  Our kids weren’t connecting at the church we had been attending and our marriage was struggling.  Eventually we made the decision to transition, as a family, to Mars Hill Bellevue and Shoreline.  We quickly got connected and began serving.  Our children also attended the same school as the Driscoll kids and became fast friends.  We cherished the friends we met at Mars Hill and loved serving as a family.  We enjoyed the music and the preaching, but the shift and transformation that God had made in our family was what we were most thankful for during this time.

So, when Mark stepped down and we realized that they would be moving we began to pray about making the move with them.  Fast forward to God bringing us to Arizona the summer of 2015.  It was never our intention to be employed by the church or even to have any large role in their ministry.  We simply felt called to move and be supportive of people that we considered friends.  Although, I was never employed by the church, I spent countless hours volunteering with the creative team and women’s ministry.  My husband volunteered with managing the offerings and my children volunteered in kid’s ministry.  As a family, Trinity was like our second home.  As time went on, I became more involved in leadership with women’s ministry, even to the point of doing some writing and a small amount of teaching.  One of our older daughters became part time staff in the children’s ministries department, and our younger two daughters became Junior interns.

Looking back over the years, there were many things that gave us pause. However, because of our close ties with the Driscoll family we ignored many red flags.  During the summer of 2020, God began to open our eyes wider to these red flags. One big concern was the fact that there are no local elders. That same summer I made the decision to follow an opportunity to attend and lead in women’s ministry at another local church where a close friend was teaching a class.  Although, this is a story for another time, I bring it up because it is when I first noticed a definite shift in how I was treated at Trinity especially by Mark’s wife, Grace.  We also started noticing a slight change in how our families interacted.

By December of 2020, there were just too many red flags that my husband, myself and our two younger daughters were seeing to continue serving and attending Trinity.  We told our older daughter, who was and is on staff, a few of our main concerns and decided to quietly leave with our younger two girls and start attending the church I had been getting involved with over the past fall.  All of this seemed fairly simple to us.  Our intention was to express some concerns but not to cause any sort of a vocal problem.  You might be thinking to yourself, no big deal, people switch churches all the time.  It is true people feel called to switch churches for many different reasons, and it’s not a big deal.  In my ignorance of how much the situation had escalated, I thought we could make the quiet transition without too much of an issue.

Before I share the event in February that lead to this postcard, I need to give you a critical piece of the puzzle.  Our daughter has been in a relationship with one of the Driscoll’s sons for the past seven years, and they were married this past March.  During the months of January and February, I had been in the church parking lot on several occasions to pick up my daughter or drop wedding related things off.  I never ventured past the parking lot, but I also never got the impression that I wasn’t welcome.  A dear friend of mine hosted a bridal shower that Grace, her girls and many other Trinity people and staff attended.  It was clear at this time that there was tension, but at no time was I told that I was considered “unsafe” or a problem.
The only message we received after leaving Trinity was a simple text from Mark letting us know that he approved of our new church.  So, when I decided to go to Trinity on a Wednesday morning two weeks before the wedding, I had no idea what would come next.   The flower girl for the wedding is the daughter of a close friend of mine.  Since my friend was a table lead for women’s ministry, her daughter attended kid’s ministry, and my daughter worked on Wednesdays, it was the perfect opportunity for the flower girl to try on her dress so we could all see it.

My plan was to bring the dress and meet them at church early so I would not disrupt anything going on in women’s ministry that morning.  I thought maybe I would get the chance to say hello to a few friends but leave before things got started.  I think most people would describe me as non-conflict oriented and harmless, but for some reason that morning I was viewed as a threat.  I met my friend and daughter in the parking lot and began walking towards the main building to use the bathroom.  I started noticing that I was being watched.  I dismissed it as people being surprised to see me.  As soon as I walked in the door, I was asked by campus pastor Brandon Anderson to step outside so he could talk to me.  It might be important to note here that I have known Brandon’s family since I was in high school.  We attended the same church growing up and I had dated his cousin.  I genuinely thought Brandon wanted to catch up and see how we were doing at our new church.  I was completely taken off guard when he was dismissive and rude.  He asked why I was there and how long I planned on staying.  I let him know I was only there for the flower girl to try on her dress and maybe say hello to a few people.  It was at that point that he told me it would be better if I left because they were taping, and he didn’t want a problem.  I was completely shocked and speechless, trying to figure out what was happening.  I went back inside, made sure the dress fit, hugged my friend and said good-bye to my daughter.  It was at that point I noticed John Welnick (Mark’s assistant) watching me during these interactions.  As I walked out the door, completely rattled, I noticed John follow me out and watch me walk to my car and drive off campus.  I quickly called my husband to tell him what had happened.  By the time I returned home I was in tears and confused on many levels. Questions were flooding my thoughts. Why had I been asked to leave?  Why didn’t anyone stop it or say something? What had I done that was so offensive?

Later, one of my older daughter’s saw my face and knew something was wrong.  As I relayed the story, she texted her sister on Trinity church staff to find out what had happened and was met with an unwillingness to discuss the situation.  Moments later my husband received a phone call from our future son-in-law to inform him that there had been a situation.  He informed my husband that they were just taking precautions since they didn’t know why I was at church.  My husband questioned the church by-line of “opening our Bibles to learn and our lives to love” if they were going to only allow certain people to attend on a Wednesday morning or even be on the church campus.  He then said that he would like both John and Brandon to call him with an explanation and apology.  No phone call was made by John, however, Brandon did call a day later with a confusing explanation of it being a mistake because he was stressed and overwhelmed. At that point, he did offer an apology.  My husband questioned why I would be considered a threat or problem, and he received no explanation.

Two weeks later at the wedding the shift in how people from Trinity treated us was almost comical.  Hugs and “we love you and your family” coming from everyone including the Driscolls. It felt completely fake and done for show.  Again, there was no mention of us being unsafe or dangerous people.  I have asked for an explanation on what I could have possibly done that lead to me being asked to leave campus and have still not received any valid reason to why I was asked to leave.

Since then, I have taken the time to invite people into our home, listen to their stories of hurt and abuse and do my best to love them and stand with them.  Because of our choice to publicly stand with the hurting and open up our home to people, our home is now considered unsafe by The Trinity Church. Just for being seen with a person who left the church, I was told I was unsafe by one of the Driscolls. This has had a damaging effect on our relationship with our daughter and son-in-law. Now they seem unwilling to come to our home or even meet with us at this point.  Unfortunately, this has also had an effect on their relationship with our 5 other daughters.  I still struggle to understand how opening our home to love people and walk in obedience to Jesus leads to this type of treatment.  I want to be the type of person that walks alongside people in love and stands up for truth especially in cases of abuse and hurt. I believe this is the role of the local church and in turn our role as the body of Christ.   I believe forgiveness is essential, but I don’t believe that means we stay silent about injustice.  Sadly, in listening to people share their stories we also learned of the hurtful and untrue things that Mark and Grace have been telling people about us over the years-also a story for another time.  Pulling back the curtain to see that the teaching (although not always biblically based) doesn’t match the personal life or true character of Mark and Grace.

Although, I have much to still untangle and share about the past eight years, I think it’s these true stories of people’s experiences that show the character, exclusivity and pattern of abuse that begin to paint a picture of a toxic church culture instead of a loving church culture.  I hope others will also have the courage to come forward and share their experiences.  Together we help others feel heard and less alone.  I heard a couple of comments from the Rise and Fall of Mars Hill podcast from Daniel Silliman and Kate Shellnut that really resonated with me.  “The silence [to victims] feels like church wide consent” Kate Shellnut took it a bit further with a quote from Ted Olsen, “When someone does something wrong that hurts, when you find out that people knew and didn’t say anything that hurts worse.”

I am aware that sharing this story, continuing to stand with others, and continuing to share more parts of my story will invite criticism and further family conflict.  However, it is important to me to stand up to bullies, focus on what God is asking of me, and trust Him to work the rest out.  My heart and prayers are for healing and restoration for those that are hurt and broken.  I desire for people to learn the truth and understand that this is not how a healthy Jesus centered church treats people.  My hope is for people to move forward in a healthy church that shines the light and love of Jesus to those in and outside of the Church.  The Church should be a place where people feel loved and welcomed, not controlled, abused and shunned.  We are to be the example of supernatural unity and what it looks like to truly love our neighbor.  There should be no difference between what happens behind closed doors and what is preached from the pulpit.

I would also like to take this opportunity to ask a few questions of all those that have said we should be quiet; that calling out the “flaws” of pastors isn’t biblical.  Is it Christ-like to stand with the hurting?  Is it Christ-like to call out religious abuse?  Would you come forward and speak against physical abuse or abuse against a woman or child?  I want to be clear that I believe it is biblical and Christ-like to forgive, love, pray for and call out abusive behavior in the church. We are to shine light in the darkness.  We are to stand with and love the broken and hurting.  No one should have to show their bruises to prove that they’ve been abused.  Psychological, emotional and spiritual abuse are just as damaging as physical abuse.  This type of abuse from the church causes deep soul damage.  The Church should not be silent on these issues especially when it is happening at the hands of those in leadership.  When we are honest about what happens in the church and don’t cover up abuse but instead stand up for the hurting, we send a powerful message to the world.  We are all broken people in need of a Savior and together with Jesus we can find healing that leads to a life filled with hope, love and unity.

“A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another: just as I have loved you, you also are to love one another.  By this all people will know that you are my disciples: if you have love for one another.”  John 13:34-35

Sincerely,

Jolie

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