I can’t help but jump in. I myself am reflecting upon my sexual life and why it is that I like men so much. I am 55 and was widowed, raised three daughters, one of whom is identifying as lesbian. I am currently in the middle of a divorce from husband two, so I have been thinking about the pros and cons of marriage and sexual relationships.

You ask, ” What makes (made) you want to pursue male companionship? What’s the initial desire to hunt out a man? What’s going on in your thoughts, emotions that propels you to seek the company of men?” Good questions…

I think much of what motivates human sexuality and even bonding are various levels of narcissism which is not necessarily negative. I have experienced infatuation with several men in my life with the heart skipping a beat and increased blood flow to the genital area (I can be clinical at times). It can be intoxicating, but also requires a lot of energy. Most of the feeling I get ultimately has to do with the male enhancing my view of my femininity and attractiveness in kind of a complementarity I think. I do not look to my women friends for that. I look to men. Janelle Hallman, and Anne Paulk have described this fairly well I think.

What makes (made) you want to pursue male companionship? What’s the initial desire to hunt out a man? What’s going on in your thoughts, emotions that propels you to seek the company of men? If it’s not that guys ‘turn you on in that way’, what’s the ‘attraction’? What satisfaction are you trying to achieve?

Teresa,

I never had a focus on “pursuing or hunting” out a man. To me, that is not love. I am not propelled to seek the company of men – they are part of people that I interact with daily. Now, my personal thoughts are this – I hold men in the highest esteem and find their worth invaluable. It is because of this that my feelings can and do go deeper. Some women think contemptuously of men and want to selfishly use them – I do not. I appreciate them without wanting anything from them. I still do not understand them and don’t want to – I like the difference.

I have felt many of the things you describe. At one point in my teens I could no longer stand the competition for a boy’s attention that seemed to go on. I found that being with young women was easier, more enjoyable. Nor did I desire sexual intercourse at that time.

Well, time moves on and people like myself change their opinions, desires, interests. Who knows why? I don’t. Nonetheless, I did not try to force myself to date men (because I felt very uncomfortable doing so) and I too felt that I really didn’t measure up.

People change. (That’s not a religious or political statement) I’ve been fortunate enough to have friends that have allowed me to “go with my flow” sort of speak.

What you express seems to be normal and not a gay thing or straight thing at all. Just a thing.

I am going to meet a friend for lunch – wish you were going with us – we could have a great conversation. Before I leave, just wanted to comment on the below and then will answer more of your quesitons later.

I’m thinking why when I’m in the company of men, as in AA, I’m comfortable.

My first thought is that it is a safe environment because there are no expectations put on the people there regarding interaction and also because there is a sense of familiarity because of background, etc. The feeling of no expectations can bring immediate comfort in any situation.

However, I don’t have the desire to go out and pursue men … to get a guy for my own.

I don’t either. Never have.

I would feel awkward and uncomfortable … should I say, fearful doing that. I’d be scared that I couldn’t measure up as a woman; scared of being rejected or overlooked; fearful of the whole dance. Whew, that’s a revelation!

Many, many women feel this way whether they acknowledge it or not. You are far from being alone withn these feelings. That is why, IMHO, having a friendship with a man that is safe and comfortable and enjoyable removes all of those other burdens. It also allows women to see men being authentic and genuine.

Some women make it their life endeavor to pursue and conquer men – they are shallow to me.

Me too.

When women are in their mid-teens, they move beyond their girl friends and begin to dress (makeup, hair, clothing, jewelry) and act in a way to attract men. They want and pursue men (almost beyond their understanding) for some reason. What is that reason?

I think role modeling is a big part of that and also peer pressure and also the need to fill then empty places where they do not have love and go looking for it. The feeling of having to conquer what they are missing just might start then – I don’t know.

What’s going on? While you (Ann, Mary) wanted the attention of men, I was wanting the attention of women; although, not pursuing it and not in a sexual way. Does that make sense?

Well, I am not so sure that this describes me at all. I think I was a lot more like you so it does make a lot of sense to me.

Ok, off to lunch.

I can just assure you that most women look for chemistry like funny comments, a vulnerability, intelligence, sensitivity, friendship.

Ann, et. al.,

OK, ‘chemistry’ sounds like an intriguing term … part of attraction. Can we dissect that a little … tease it out, maybe. Ann, Mary, I have no idea of your gender identity or your marital status and frankly it’s not really germane to our discussion … however, I’m going to assume you’re str8. What makes (made) you want to pursue male companionship? What’s the initial desire to hunt out a man? What’s going on in your thoughts, emotions that propels you to seek the company of men? If it’s not that guys ‘turn you on in that way’, what’s the ‘attraction’? What satisfaction are you trying to achieve?

While you ponder that, I’m thinking why when I’m in the company of men, as in AA, I’m comfortable. However, I don’t have the desire to go out and pursue men … to get a guy for my own. I would feel awkward and uncomfortable … should I say, fearful doing that. I’d be scared that I couldn’t measure up as a woman; scared of being rejected or overlooked; fearful of the whole dance. Whew, that’s a revelation! When in the company of men, I have been ‘attracted’ (drawn to) certain guys who are sensitive or kind, some characteristic that soothes my inner anxiety and lets me feel comfortable.

When women are in their mid-teens, they move beyond their girl friends and begin to dress (makeup, hair, clothing, jewelry) and act in a way to attract men. They want and pursue men (almost beyond their understanding) for some reason. What is that reason? What’s going on? While you (Ann, Mary) wanted the attention of men, I was wanting the attention of women; although, not pursuing it and not in a sexual way. Does that make sense?

Enough for now.