Warren asked, “Peterson – I am not asking for specific techniques or approaches. I am wondering if there are any objectives besides living as an out gay/lesbian that you find acceptible for clients and therapists to pursue?

Timothy on this blog listed three objectives (correct me Timothy, if I am incorrect, I cannot find the comment): 1. come out as gay/lesbian, 2. celibacy & 3) if heterosexually married, work toward keeping the marriage intact, especially if children are involved.

Do you believe therapists can ethically support clients pursuing those goals, assuming the therapeutic approaches to do so are valid and the client has given informed consent?”

Here is my response:

David and Warren, I’ve crawled out of my study to say that I disagree. For one I do not know of a method or therapy or theory that I can say does not contribute to harm.

No one knows.

I’m not saying one does not exist. The problem is no one has taken the time and care to explore the harm that many of us have experienced. How can one endorse or create a new approach until we better understand the factors that contribute to the harm? If not, you may end up recreating the wheel.

In order to seriously consider the harm that people experienced in therapy and ministry, you do not need me or anyone to state what might not be harmful. You need to look at the evidence we have, study it and hopefully then you will see where others have gone wrong in their theories and methods.

We launched bXg in April of this year and only have posted a handful of the narratives we have received. This new voice–those who have experienced harm– is new to the discussion but vital. It is likely that we represent the majority of people who have undergone ex-gay treatment in the past 30 years.

Warren perhaps one of the most helpful contributions you can make at this time is to conduct a study of 500+ ex-gay survivors who spent at least two years pursuing an ex-gay route and who say they experienced more harm than good. You can then better understand, from a research stand point, what harms exists and their causes. We can also consider the good that ex-gay consumers say they experience to see if that could have been gain another way without the addition of all the harm.

I do not need such a study. I know about this first hand and daily interact with people whose lives have been negatively affected by ex-gay therapy (both Christian & secular) and ex-gay ministries.

Who says there are no problems? I haven’t seen anybody here say that.

You’re correct. In fact, in post 60635 I said:

If those who approach therapy with a desire to change and who instead are encouraged to embrace their sexuality are experiencing feelings of desperation, hopelessness, entrapment and suicide, then the menal health community needs to rethink its approach and look for early signs of these feelings.

I think that many of us would like to know what harm is present and encourage steps to avoid this harm. The difficulty is in getting a clear idea of just what this harm consists of.

Ann gave us some examples – a few I found doubtful but others I think are worth further inspection. Surely we could all of us – gay, ex-gay, everstraight, ex-ex-gay, whatever – agree that if the mental health community is not adequately addressing those concerns, then we should encourage them to do so.

I really am at a loss for those who say that unwanted same sex attraction and leaving the gay lifestyle is without it’s problems from “our old friends” the gay community, the church, our families etc

Who says there are no problems? I haven’t seen anybody here say that.

Your post meant a lot to me – thank you for hearing what I was saying and the way you responded. Your ability to feel for others, whether you agree with or understand them, is a wonderful foundation for bridge building. You have an attentive and appreciate audience with me,

Anonymous,

Thank you for your kind words and comments and good advice. They mean a lot to me. I do feel your support and appreciate it – a lot.

Mary.

Thank you for your ability to see through stagnation and look beyond limitations. I agree with your comments and appreciate them.

Thank for your responses. I cannot fathom the the double standard anymore. I really am at a loss for those who say that unwanted same sex attraction and leaving the gay lifestyle is without it’s problems from “our old friends” the gay community, the church, our families etc… and the larger community at large – it pegs us as bigots before we even say anything.

Thank you, I appreciate the support, but you need not be concerned. I don’t really care what people who don’t bother get to know me assume about me.

Too bad, if gays and ex gays and ex ex gays worked together we could really be a force to reckon with when it comes to how the church responds to it’s own sin and that of others.

One of the only regrets I have over my retirement is that I can’t be there for you at times like these. Know that I feel for you and that I believe in you. Your sincerity has touched me and so has your heart of compassion. Focus on the productive discussions you have had with JAG. Peace!

You may be finding this discouraging at the moment. I know you were seeking communication but instead ran into a dismissive “thank you”.

But, nonetheless, I encourage you to continue to put your points out there. Step up to the plate with your views, your experiences, your wisdom, and your thinking. Challenge those statements that are clearly based on ignorance or bias. Present evidence of your position.

If you are accused of contempt and indifference, just keep smiling and trying to communicate. When you are told that you “refuse to see” or “only believe” or any other personal accusation, all you can do is sigh and politely try to address the point at hand.

If others refuse to listen, you can’t be faulted for trying. And perhaps, despite the refusal to listen, something may be heard. I choose to believe that much of the rudeness is based on a fear that what you are saying just might have merit. And perhaps hearts and minds are being changed. And that makes it worth while.