At the same time, there is something that is real about all of this that some of us want to understand. So terms are important for science and public communication.

Now, here is where I probably need another post. Thinking about sexuality probably requires more terms than less. We need to be clear about attractions, desire, preference, impulse and intent to behave. When change occurs in any of these areas, the person may experience themselves as having changed in toto.

To wit: two clients. Both experienced what appeared to me to the same level of change in sexual attractions (K5 to K2), but one was happy with that and considered himself straight, whereas the other was not happy with that and said to himself — I still am attracted to men, that means I am still gay and it did not work. He now considers himself gay, even though many of us here might think of him as bisexual — both of these guys actually would probably be labeled bisexual.

To wit two: Some guys I work with are basically and automatically attracted to men, but acquire attraction to one woman – their wife. They seek help in keeping their marriage because they value it over breaking it off. They need a way to think about their most basic sexual urges that doesn’t lead to behavior they would rather not engage in. Are these guys bisexual? Well, I don’t know. I suppose, but not in the same way as someone who is attracted in general to both genders at the same time. Check out my post on bidirectional attractions for more on this.

I think the description issue is complicated because not all people seem to be bidirectional in their love-sex capacity. Or at least it is inconceivable to the person, so it may seem it couldn’t be that way for anyone.

With all due respect – you are not the one living my life. And if sexuality were just about penises and vaginas then we would all be in danger. I just do not see sexuality in the same way you do.

Your full name isn’t Mary Baker Eddy, is it? 🙂

What do we mean when we say ex gay? For me – it means I’ve changed.

It sounds as though you say you are heterosexual because you changed your mind. With all due respect, that just doesn’t seem to me to be credible.

Almost everyone seems to agree that a homosexual person could develop into more of a bisexual person.

No. That is not true. I do not believe that the vast overwhelming majority of homosexual persons could develop into bisexual persons.

Perhaps some percentage can. And perhaps some can become heterosexual, I don’t know.

But most do not change to any significant degree. And for most, acquiring some minimal (usually fleeting) attraction is far from adequate to justify marriage – it is far too frequently a recipe for disaster and pain.

For those of us who have changed – I do believe we see sex and sexuality in a different way than those who have always been attracted to the opposite sex or those who are gay. We have experienced change deep in our heart most of all. You seem to focus alot on the genital aspect of sexuality and I have provided examples of where that aspect breaks down – as a person can be physically stimulated but the heart and emotions just do not follow. And I wonder If I find a woman attractive then do you say I am bisexual? I don’t say that – but will you? Because I remember the good parts of my lesbian years does that mean I am still part lesbian (bisexual) or am I just one of those who does not have to be disgusted with my past? I mean, really, and you know it, many gays have sought to call any deviation of complete extreme hetersexuality – bisexuality. And I do think it has to do with politics and civil rights. If we took politics out of the equation – I am certain we would allow people a greater latitude in definition.

I strongly believe that people are free to BE, FEEL and CALL themsleves whatever they please — but using words in a purely PERSONAL way does not increase communication and understanding — unless the speaker is willing to define terms. Is that really too much to ask?

Let me be CLEAR: It is their right to live in accordance with their faith. I am not frightened by the idea that many folks may be bisexual to some degree. I am not frightened that a rare few may be able to change %100 percent. I am not trying to “polarize”. I just want CLARITY and less confusion.

Bottom line: The question “Can Gays Change” depends ENTIRELY on what you mean by “gay” and what you mean by “change”. Anyone can become “straight” or “former homosexual” by coming up with their own personal definitions of the words.

I think the problem gays have with the term ex gay (and I kind of agree with them) is that if you can truly change your desire from 0-100% for the opposite sex then the right winged conservatives are going to use that as a political tool to deny them rights.

I have met plenty of people who live somewhere along the spectrum (whether they were gay mostly or straight mostly or bisexual or whatever) and by anyone’s definition they should have a right to love whomever they choose and set up a household and pass on inheritance, medical insurance etc… It doesn’t matter in my opinion it shouldn’t matter at all. Unfortunately the religious people make politics their God and dictate. That’s why gays are so interested in what exactly ex gay means. IMHO.

Of course, some people have never had an attraction to the opposite sex and for them change may well be impossible. For others it is possible. Shouldn’t everyone have the right to self determination?