Whatever the cause, one must make moral sense of it and then live within that sense. That is hard enough.

The truth of the matter is that we ALL had both good AND bad aspects to our relationships with our parents — whether we are gay, straight or somewhere in between. I am glad that your therapy experience resulted in some good — strengthening your relationship with your Dad. In my own case, the good was that it deepened my faith in God — even though it did not change my sexual orientation.

As for being “saddened when you read of people so desperate to change that they sign on to fringe thinking”, it’s hard for an unhappy gay person to find much else out there. That is why I support Dr. Throckmorton’s guidelines for therapy and why I am so opposed to EXODUS and NARTH. I finally found help in reconciling my faith and sexuality as a gay Christian. So I guess I am one of the lucky ones too.

Admittedly, my father was gone a lot when I was growing up. But, our relationship was a great one. I never doubted his love and he believed in active involvement in my life. Even when he was on the road traveling (lots of speaking engagements), there was never a day when I didn’t talk to him. But, my parents were desperate to have this part of me fixed. And, to a great extent, I too wanted to be “normal.” So, we bought into this idea that it must be my parent’s fault that I was suffering from this issue.

Ever Friday night, my father and I would meet at a location (chosen by me) and hang out. We’d play catch-up on our weeks (I was 18 at the time). He’d tell me what was going on in his life and I’d tell him what was going on in mine. We studiously stayed away from discussing my therapy though. The idea was to create a father/son bond that supposedly didn’t exist or was broken.

Nearly 20 years later, I am extremely grateful for the advice that my father and I needed more “time” together. Those weekly sessions still take place even though we now live on opposite sides of the country. We’ve both been able to admit that our father/son relationship was not the “problem” that the therapist assumed. But we also realize that these weekly prescribed sessions strengthened the bond we already had.

When I finally was able to say “I’m gay”, my dad was the first person I told. He responded that he loved me, respected me, was proud of me and fully supported me. He also told me that his experience in counseling (and with me) had showed him that the “gay issue” was not nearly as black & white as the church world likes to think. To understand how huge that is, one would have to understand how very conservative my parents are. More recently, my partner of nearly 5 years was struggling with a prescription drug addiction that was creating real havoc in our family life (we have an 8 year old son). My dad was the first person I shared our struggle with. I knew that I would receive love, care and sound advice.

My time in therapy was a tremendous experience if for no other reason than my relationship with my dad was strengthened and I became much more in touch with my own feelings. I still struggle with reconciling my faith (which is very important to me as much of my writing suggests) and my sexuality. I don’t struggle with this notion that somehow my parents are to blame for my sexuality. My therapy proved that to be a complete misnomer.

I will say that I’m saddened when I read of people so desperate to change that they sign on to fringe thinking. Perhaps I’m one of the lucky ones.

j.

I was not asking Mary to expose any person. And I am saddened to hear that any person is being threatened. I was just responding to her rather bold assertion that “sound counseling” does exist. Is so, where? For obvious reasons, EXODUS and NARTH don’t qualify. I am glad that Warren is working on an suitable alternative.

However, if Mary’s therapists want to remain private, then I would want her to respect that wish. I have had threats too both from the right and the left. But I would hope that your therapist would consider joining the sexual identity therapy discussion group (www.sexualidentity.blogspot.com).